It’s A Miracle

So yesterday I had to resit a maths test I had previously failed & make sure I passed. Even with some revision I was convinced I would yet again fail. To my surprise I actually passed!! Me, I passed a maths test. Now this may sound like I’m making a big deal out of nothing but I have always been appalling at maths no matter how hard I tried.
Now I had got the grade I needed I was now successful in being eligible to apply for apprenticeships. Dental nurse apprenticeships to be more precise.
When I first applied it was more of a spur of the moment whim but now the more I think about it the more excited I am by it. So now the rigmarole of getting a placement begins.
Wish me luck!

Another Day Another Boy Drama

If you’ve already read my previous blog posts you’ll be familiar of my situation with ghostee number 1. If you haven’t, here’s a brief update;
long story short we have been in a casual limbo for over a year now & both found ourselves in the same situation of leaving the U.K to go travelling. Throughout this time I noticed behaviours changing & the familiar scenarios of the fuckboy persona occurring. As much as I didn’t want to, I found myself liking this person to only in the end get hurt by them. This brings you kind of up to date but if you want a more in depth explanation read my previous blog post “A Brief Introduction To Ghosting”
So finding myself being mortifyingly rejected, silence speaks a thousand words ironically, tinder was now my only social connection with this person & as unhealthy as it is, I would occasionally find myself checking his profile. He hadn’t updated his bio since he’d returned to the UK & it still stated he was travelling.
This all changed today.
After checking it a couple of days ago, 998 km away, I checked it this morning to discover he was once again back home, 21 km. Yes I am aware that this sounds extremely stalkerish but for me this was the only way to know he was ok & in another I felt comforted by the fact he hadn’t updated his bio. Surely this meant he wasn’t currently dating or at least he wasn’t using tinder to do so. This was my false sense of security & not having to accept that I had been well & truly pushed to the back of his mind, cast out, exiled.
That was until later on in the day when I was checking my inbox on tinder only to discover he had disappeared off my list. This sent me into panic mode. He had either A) unmatched me or B)deleted tinder. Either way this lead me to think he’s dating again, he’s using tinder or even worse he was in a relationship with someone else.
As irrational as this sounds this was like him cutting all ties with me & the gut wrenching feeling returned. Because of the way things had been left, me basically saying I liked him in a really cringe worthy way & him not replying, I felt to proud to approach him or the subject but without doing so there never really will be any proper closure for me. I know how ridiculous this sounds because we were never officially anything but this was someone I had, in the end, invested a lot of time into & inevitably had always liked. Not to the extremities of being in love with them but he was the first person in a long time to make me feel excited again & that feeling never faded until the ghostee began to ghost. In a way I feel cheated for not receiving a “this is over” “it’s not you, it’s me” kind of conversation because ultimately you should respect someone who has invested that much time into you.
Surely that is the least they deserve?

This is just another example of how I’m either just extremely unlucky in love or just how messed up the dating world is now in 2016. As great as technology is I feel it just makes it so much more acceptable & easy to remove people from your life without an explanation. The more I experience these situations the more I lose faith in mankind.

Ghosting Part Two

So this a follow up to my previous post “An introduction to ghosting” & my second scenario of some pretty painful ghosting.
So not all that long ago a guy I went on an amazing date with last year, who then yes you guessed it ghosted me, hit me up after we matched on Bumble (other dating apps are available) He basically apologised for the way he acted last year & let me into the reason why he became so distant. Which now made perfect sense.
I told him where I was at dating wise, I am not up for being fucked & then fucked off, nor am I up for having consistent competition of dating apps & sharing but I made it completely clear that I could still keep things cool between us to which he agreed & went on to say that he didn’t like sharing either.
Now for me this was a massive deal as I find it pretty hard to trust people anyway because of previous experiences but for me to give people a second chance who have already fucked me over is a big no go. I find it extremely difficult.
When he divulged the reasons he ghosted last year, his mum got really sick,  I immediately felt myself trust him again.He knew the current situation with my dad & was extremely supportive. Looking back now I somehow feel manipulated. Like he used our similar situations to his advantage. We spoke about meeting again but once more I noticed the recurring pattern of a week passing with no messages & me always starting the conversation. I approached the situation head on & the first time he gave me the response that I hadn’t done anything wrong, he had just been extremely busy at work & had been travelling around a lot. Although this didn’t explain the reasons for being on whatsapp but still not talking to me…
the second time around this happened & I drunk messaged & said that I missed him & I missed him wanting me. I apologised the next day for being attention seeking but really I don’t think I was sorry at all. If you’re interested in someone you should want someone & you should make it obvious you want them.
Third time around he said he had been away. In between these facades he had implied he was still interested with meeting up & I even offered to take him out when things had settled down at home for being so nice to me to which he replied he wanted to take me out & I should let him have that. So after the third time he asked if I was ok & i said yes & then I said actually no I’m really confused. I told him I felt vulnerable as I don’t usually let people who have already hurt me have a second chance to hurt me again & said I felt he was just using every other fuck boys ghosting method on me to which he went to ignore! He actively chose to ignore it. How fucking cowardly can you get? He had been online on whatsapp & chose not to read my messages for 4 whole days & not reply!
Way to go to prove my point you asshole. I knew there was a reason I didn’t dish out second chances & he just proved me right.

An Introduction To Ghosting

So, surely it can’t just be me that has fallen victim to the phenomena that is ghosting in the past couple of years? Although when I recently rejoined various dating apps stating that ghosting was cowardly I had numerous amounts of people messaging me asking exactly what was  ghosting . Now surely this had to be some kind of facade to play ignorant to appear like a nice boy. Either that or am I am just terrible at picking  genuinely nice people & have had more fuckboys in my life than I care to admit.
Recently I experienced ghosting twice more or less at the same time but both a lot more painful than i have previously experienced. Usually I would deal with the whole quietly & rapidly falling off the radar thing with a heads on approach. Letting the said ghoster know what a dick move they’ve just made & finishing with a bye boy burn.
However my recent ghostees have been the worst I have encountered so far & here are the reasons why.
Scenario Number One
Ghostee number 1 I had been in contact with for over a year things were extremely casual between us when we met & we were both in the same circumstance of leaving the U.K to go travelling. As brief & as casual as things were he asked me to make sure I stayed in touch with him while we were both gone & at the beginning that was great. Things hadn’t seemed to have changed much between us he still seemed eager, acted interested & I was so excited for him. He still gave me butterflies just as he had when we first met. We only spoke briefly around once a month exchanging stories of where we were & what we were upto. Things were like this up until around 6 months into his travelling & 3 into mine. This is when I noticed a change in behaviour extremely brief conversations & rounding things off with an unrepliable emoji. WTF was that all about. We shared a facetime once in the time we were away & even then my butterflies kicked in & I was excited & nervous again to see him. Things were said which hinted at a future & stupidly got my hopes up that he hadn’t lost interest in me just yet. Soon enough things returned to how they had before. Uninterested & extremely brief until a few days before his return. I was already home & a couple of weeks before had made a vow to myself to not get in touch with him as much as I wanted too. I now felt that all the effort was one sided & there’s nothing worse than feeling desperate for someone to want you. I know it’s stupid but someone should not have that much power over you.
Anyway before his return home we exchanged messages & things felt exactly how they had a year ago. Once again I felt excited by him & couldn’t wait to see him.
A couple of weeks passed before there was any mention of seeing one another which I thought understandable as I knew how busy things got once you returned home. Little did I know it would be a whole month before the suggestion of meeting up only to plan a day & be let down. I approached the subject the day after for which he apologised & acknowledged that he had fucked up & said we would make it work. A month passed to which we didn’t really talk at all. I began to feel disheartened & stupid for letting myself feel interested in someone who it felt didn’t have the time of day for me any more.
We arranged on numerous occasions to meet up for it only not to happen & the more it happened the more I lost faith in us. Eventually we met up & if anything I was now more nervous of the reaction I’d get from him. Surprisingly things seemed to go pretty  well but for me I couldn’t help but feel distracted by the situation I was in but because we had never said what we were actually doing I never felt comfortable approaching the subject what we were now  & the way I had been made to feel so shit about myself at points throughout the year. Seriously, a whole year & I felt so intimidated about fucking things up that I never approached the situation. That’s how much I wanted this person in my life.
the day after I heard nothing so I messaged checking he was still alive when conversation fell dead pretty quickly. I guess he had his cake & ate it & didn’t feel obliged to engage in conversation. So me being extremely drunk one Saturday night messaged him confessing that he still made my heartbeat rapid speeds after he confessed I still excited him to which he read & did not reply. How gut wrenching is that? I cringed so hard about it the next day & even considered sending an apology but then my dad got really poorly & nearly died & I just thought, FUCK IT. Yes, I like you. So what. It should be a compliment if anything it should be fucking flattering to hear that someone likes you. I wasn’t proposing marriage.
If anything I guess all I wanted to hear you say was I like you back.